


Longing Old and New

by HiMiTSu



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Pynch Secret Santa 2017, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 19:10:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13130184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiMiTSu/pseuds/HiMiTSu
Summary: This is my present for the Pynch Presents 2017 gift exchange for alliwannadoiswrite on tumblr.Sometimes Adam still feels the emptiness in his chest where the magic used to be.





	Longing Old and New

**Author's Note:**

> My present for the Pynch Presents 2017 gift exchange for alliwannadoiswrite on tumblr. I hope she will like it! And I hope you all can enjoy this too:)
> 
> Happy holidays!

There was so much green. Emerald leaves rustled overhead, almost see-through against the glare of the summer sun. Shades fell over the ground, creating peculiar patterns on the forest floor. A pine here and there blocked the light completely and Adam slid under the sprawling canopy of one, hiding away from the world. It was quiet there. He leaned back against the trunk, closing his eyes and trying to feel something. _Anything._

There was nothing but silence. For most of his life, Adam craved silence and the calm it brought. This time though…the silence was not the calm. It was the absence of voices, the ever present hum at the back of his mind. The emptiness he now felt was a sharp reminder of a connection lost.

Adam held his breath as his fingers traced rough bark under his hand. Nothing happened.

His eyes snapped open and he used the touch as leverage to push himself roughly away. He couldn’t stand the quiet. Out there, in the city, he was fine but here, in the very midst of the forest it was too much. As once he was overwhelmed by the magic of Cabeswater, now he was overcome with a keen sense of loss. It was closed to him forever. Even if Ronan could bright back the manifestation itself, Adam would not be tied to it as he once was. He would be forever a stranger. Forever in a self-imposed exile.  He did not regret the sacrifice, that wasn’t possible, but he felt lost nonetheless.

The ground was soft under his feet, sneakers drowning in moss and dirt and getting even messier. That was fine, it was his rattiest pair; he had figured they would not survive the summer anyway. And then, who knew what he would be leaving behind when he left for college...

Wind ran through the crown of the tallest tree, and, despite himself, Adam stilled, listening in.

“What’s with the face?”

Adam jerked around, startled; wide eyed and suddenly short of breath, he watched Ronan throw his head back and laugh. The bastard had come at Adam’s left side and thus went unnoticed until announcing his presence. It was unintentional, Adam knew, but his startled reaction must have been too hilarious for Ronan to keep from laughing. That jerk.

“You look like are trying solve a math problem and construct a poem in Latin at the same time,” Ronan chuckled.

It was a lame joke and Adam rolled his eyes, letting his expression be a reply on its own. Ronan grinned, sharp edges around that smile, and stepped closer. Small brunches of young birches moved out of his way as if out of their own volition. He looked like he belonged. Adam felt that same sense of loss tug at his heart. Even though it was just a forest now, nothing magical about it, Ronan still looked like it was his place. His home. Adam felt like an intruder.

Ronan must have seen the emotion flash on his face because the smile fell and the gaze of those blue eyes turned serious. “What’s wrong?” It came out sharp; like everything Ronan said or did, but Adam knew the difference.

“Nothing,” he waved the question away but the smile he tried to muster felt too tight on his face. So he turned, heading further away. In the distance, three figures could be seen; Blue’s bright yellow dress a flash of color as she weaved her way around the trees. Gansey was following close behind while Henry paused crouching near a fallen log: something curious must have caught his eye. They all were so wonderfully careless. Even after everything.

“Nothing is wrong,” Adam said, surprising even himself. He didn’t know where that came from. Maybe from a desire to persuade his stupid mind that had been stuck on one thought since they left the car near the field and trudged up here.

He heard Ronan’s steps on the soft underbrush and felt a presence at his back. It brought a sting of annoyance, sharp and unreasonable, and Adam had to tramp it down before he said something harsh. It wasn’t Ronan’s fault that he still was a part of something magical while Adam simply…wasn’t.

“Yeah, say that again and maybe I’ll believe you,” Ronan huffed in a breath.

Adam pursed his lips, ready for a scathing remark, and half-turned to look at him.

Ronan’s mouth was set in a thin line of annoyance but his eyes were full of worry. Adam’s smart retort died before he could voice it. The fight left him, unfounded as it might have been.

“It’s just…” He started and then turned away again. Somehow it was easier to talk when Ronan’s gaze wasn’t sweeping across his face, analyzing. “I’m getting used to this.” He waved a hand – a vague gesture that included the trees, the sky and the dirt under his feet. He was obscure on purpose but Ronan was sure to catch onto that.

“This,” Ronan repeated flatly. Without even looking at him, Adam could imagine the unimpressed set of his lips – it made him smile.

“This,” Adam repeated, voice softer this time. His smile dimmed but his spirit was lighter now that familiar rhythm of a conversation with Ronan overtook the crushing sadness. This, he told himself, this would not change. A little pull, a little give, a compromise and a sacrifice – the wonderful reality of every exchange between him and Ronan. Like walking through a minefield when you didn’t particularly care if you got blown up or not. That had not changed – their relationship did, Adam’s feelings did – but this, this was familiar. Wonderfully repetitive at it’s very core. That was something he could rely on; something he could believe in. Cling onto in the ever-changing world. Magic came and went, encompassing him and sweeping off his feet, then leaving washed up and bare on the shore. Time flew by, taking and giving, turning him into something else, something new. Changing his friends and him. But this, here, at the core, this would never change. Adam’s trust in this was as strong as Ronan’s unshakable believe in truth.

“I don’t get it,” Ronan said, stepping to stand by Adam’s side instead of behind him.

His narrowed eyes scanned the forest with suspicion.

Adam let out a little laugh; airy, it tore its way from his chest. He felt light, finally. Ronan’s presence anchored him in this new reality, but contrary to chaining him down it made his spirit soar. He thought briefly of scrying – that experience of sending his spirit away, that was both terrifying and amazing. This was something like that. Scary, but wonderful.

His stared forward, his gaze seeking out their friends already far ahead. So much green. So much life. And right before them a couple of bright spots, Gansey and Blue, hanging close, their hands linked. The thought barely passed through Adam’s head as he felt Ronan’s fingers slipping through his, holding lightly. Adam squeezed his hand. “It’s alright,” he promised with a glance at Ronan.

Ronan nodded. It was most likely he understood what Adam was trying to say earlier, maybe he sensed the longing, but didn’t bring it up. It was something Adam had to work out on his own.

“Alright,” Ronan replied.

In one moment he was serious, but in the next a sharp grin split his face, making him look dangerously handsome, and he tugged Adam forward by the hand. Adam almost tripped over a tree root, but Ronan held him up and propelled them forward with a quick laugh. They hastened to catch up to their friends.

As they rushed through the trees, ducking to pass under low branches and skipping over logs, Adam felt like they were flying. He was so light and Ronan was right there with him. There was no magic in this and still, it felt like a wonder. One he was sure he would never lose.

 


End file.
